Dear Neighbor:
This may come as a surprise to you, but there seems to be a problem with your new dog. You know, the one you keep in your backyard. Chained to the fence -the one that separates our houses and, technically, is my fence. Anyway, your dog has been barking incessantly during various hours and it's become a real problem. Apparently, it's just a problem for me and not for you, because I'm guessing you can't even hear the constant barking. I say this because I believe any normal, hearing human being would be as fed up as I am after just one day of barking. But it's been a week already and still the barking goes on. Night after night, morning after morning. [I'll interject here to say that I'm not home during business hours so I can't say whether or not the barking is happening during these hours. But I will be home this weekend, so time will tell.] Maybe that's it -you are deaf. Noooo, I've met you so I know that's not it. Maybe you are on an extended vacation and forgot to bring your dog to the doggie hotel. Naah, I can see that your cars in the driveway are moved around from day to day.
So what's a person to do when a neighbor is so blatantly ignorant to other people, so self-absorbed in their own lives that they don't even hear their own dog barking through the night? Well, after being woken time and time again, I have found myself lying in bed and plotting possible moves. I even logged onto the internet this evening and read up on suggestions as to what other people do. Let's just say, some of their suggestions were not very neighborly. (Though, neither are you and your noisy dog.)
From all the ideas I've come up with, there is one that causes me to giggle each time I think of it. [Bear with me while I giggle my way through typing out explanation.] First, I'll need some sort of sound-activated device and to it I would hook up another device that has the capability to launch things at your house each and every time the dog barks. (Okay, so I'm no mechanical engineer, but I'm sure I could figure out what to use and how to accomplish this.) So I load this device each night with things that will be launched at your house on cue. Imagine it: you are sleeping peacefully, soundly in bed. Then the dog starts barking (though you apparently can't hear it) and suddenly you are woken by the sound of things hitting and sliding down your roof. "BARK" and "FWAP" (sound effect of item hitting the roof) and "SSSSCCCRRRRAAAAAPPPPPEEEEE" (sound effect of the item as it slides down along the rough shingles until it falls to the ground).
The best part of all this is that once the barking starts, and the launching begins, your lovely dog will probably hear the racket on the roof and start barking even more. Typically, more barking would bother me, but for this particular event, I'll be sleeping soundly in a hotel across town.
After hearing this happen time and time again, you WILL be wondering what the hell that sound is and/or what is hitting and sliding all over your roof! And I imagine that even if you are brave enough to venture outside in the dark to figure out what the sound is, it will be too dark for you to see my launcher in effect (I'll make sure that it's hidden well). In the morning when you do go outside, you will probably be stunned to see all the stuff (whatever I launched) in your yard. Oh, the possibilities. I think old golf balls would work well. Of course, I'd have to flatten them a bit on the sides with a hammer so that they would slide rather than roll down the roof, thus ensuring more noise for longer. Heh, heh, heh. I could do this a few nights a week until you are as stir crazy as I am right now.
But that's just one of those crazy ideas I came up with while lying awake at 3:00 am listening to your dog bark. On second thought, maybe I'll have my brother & his wife (both mechanical engineers) over for dinner this weekend.
Not So Sincerely,
Your excessively tired, cranky, sleep-deprived, ready to open up a can of whip-ass on you, bitchy neighbor.
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